On my heart this week.
“She was trained to win.” I let those words sink in during couples therapy last tonight. My wife was referring to the way that I sometimes approach our disagreements or communication blindspots like territories to be conquered. It’s one of my growing edges that I’m actively working on.
I grew up competing through physical and intellectual sports: chess, basketball, 24 game (math tournaments), track, debate. I was indeed trained to win … and think critically … strategize vigilantly … rally with/for a team …become intimately close with process … sweat the details … and push my body to (and sometimes past) the limit for the W.
All of that training works magnificently when a trophy or prize is on the line. But in inter+intrapersonal relationships? With the exception of the teamwork part, it doesn’t translate so well. Because relationships aren’t about keeping score.
If I’m honest, I don’t care about winning in the rivalry sense anymore. I’m unmoved by it. The real win in relationships is in the camaraderie cultivated, understandings reached, worlds co-created, the savoring and sharing of fruits.
As I witness my relationships expand — from reconciling with old friends to flourishing creative collaborations to blossoming love — I’m exploring how I can more intentionally give my competitive spirit a new job. Instead of defaulting to a “ready for combat” stance, I’m approaching moments of discomfort and conflict as occasions worth showing up for the highest good of everyone involved.
What growing edges are y’all working on in your relationships right now?
Gifts for your growth.
🔑 Scottie Beam talks about the necessity of quitting and saying “no”.
💻 Simon Sinek talks about how to work without burnout.
✨ I’ve been thinking a lot about Casey Gerald’s 2019 essay, The Black Art of Escape. Tackling the question where do we go from here?, he weaves his way through the history of the first enslaved Africans arriving in America before proposing a new vision for Black Americans in the 21st century.
Fuel for the week ahead.
💎 I’m feeling really inspired by the way Elsa Majimbo and Mohamed Kheir are building partnership and challenging dated systems along the way. In a recent conversation with Forbes, they shared their perspective on controlling your narrative, building legacy, and playing the long game.
📷 My new favorite instagram account: @filmtourismus. A reminder that the simplest creative ideas can spread wings their wings with a little passion and consistency.
🎧 🎶 I bounced to this week’s Seven Bops playlist on my bike ride this morning and two-stepped 💃🏽 my way through it in the shower yesterday. You can listen to it on Apple Music and Spotify.
Until next Monday, I’m wishing y’all an abundant week ahead.
Love always,
HMKM
From Holley, With Love • Tuesday, 083121